"Drugless trip"

Sungguh buat PhD nie pengalaman yg 'agak mengerikan'. The emotional side of it yg boleh buat rasa stress. setiap fasa, dari start nak defence proposal, data collection, data analysis, writing, conclusion semuanya ada cabaran msg2. rasa mcm lari marathon 3 thn, lepas satu palang, ada lagi palang2 yg menanti, makin tinggi pulak tu. aduh, kasut dah haus, tapaknya, badan letih, kepala pening, pusing2.

skrg nie duk pusing2 kat data analysis. kadang2 rasa mcm, 'betul ke aku buat nie?' 'mcm salah jer'. mana open coding? mana axial codingnya? terlalu byk teori bermain2 dlm kepala dan tak tau nak relate mana satu. mana core phenomenon? mcm ner nak relate? tak nampak..serius!

nasib baik terjumpa satu kata azimat sewaktu membaca satu artikel berkenaan cabaran novice researchers mcm sy nie bila involved dgn grounded theory for the first time:

" during that process the reseacher concretely discussess with her data but on the other hand, the process is very abstract and take place deep in the reseacher's mind and partly unconsciously. the researcher must tolerate the uncertainty.." this is call the 'drugless trip'. she has a lot of ideas about the construction of theory, but unable to make discoveries yet.'

ohhh, baru ku tau, rupernya itu. lega. mcm org sakit, bila tak tau ape sakitnya buat risau. bila dah tau apa yg dihadapinya, rasa legalah sikit.

so, nak tak nak, kena belajar tolerate the uncertainty. yg penting kata artikel itu lagi, jgn berhenti. just continue your work.

i really hope that one day, i could say to myself - ' dah lepas tahap nie semua.' semua dah dilepasi' leganya ms tu. arrghh..